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Johnny Boychuk Facts

June 25, 2010

Yesterday the Bruins signed Johnny “Destroyer of Worlds” Boychuk to a two-year deal.

We’re stoked. We’re beyond stoked. We haven’t been this stoked since the Bruins re-signed Shawn “Wayne” Thornton a few weeks back. And to celebrate we started rattling off some Johnny Boychuk facts — “#boychuk facts” if you’re on the Twitter. Email us at with your own. If they’re good we’ll add ’em to the list.

Johnny Boychuk Facts

Johnny Boychuk can kill two stones with one bird… the stones being Matt Ellis and Matt Stajan and the bird being Boychuk’s shoulder.

Johnny Boychuk doesn’t go to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable… unlike Carcillo‘s.

Johnny Boychuk has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

The US didn’t drop a bomb on Hiroshima… they dropped Johnny Boychuk.

Japan never stood a chance once Boychuk entered the War

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Johnny Boychuk.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Johnny Boychuk.

Johnny Boychuk knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

They once made a Johnny Boychuk toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Superman has a poster of Johnny Boychuk hanging up on his wall.

Yes, Superman is a pedo

There is no Theory of Evolution; just a list of animals Johnny Boychuk allows to live.

When Hartnell the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks under his bed for Johnny Boychuk.


Johnny Boychuk doesn’t fall; he hipchecks the earth.

The Washington Monument is a “to scale” replica of Johnny Boychuk’s wang.

What was going through the minds of all of Johnny Boychuk’s victims before they died? His shoulder.

In Soviet Russia, Johnny Boychuk STILL hits you.

Remember that time Matt Stajan ran into Johnny Boychuk? Well that makes one of you.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Johnny Boychuck. Boychuk showed the bear his shoulder and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be less painful to die that way.

Boychuk is a Bruin in honor of that bear

Johnny Boychuk can stop a puck by pointing at it and saying “Boo-yah.”

Unlike Chuck Norris, Johnny Boychuk never gave a kid AIDS.

Johnny Boychuk frequently donates blood to the Red Cross… just never his own.

Johnny Boychuk is the one who stole cookies from the cookie jar. Do something. We dare you.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 20, 2010 1:24 am

    The mars and superman ones were great! Awesome signing as well.

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