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The aftermath

May 11, 2010

Last night was like walking in on your grandmother taking a piss. It was like coming home to find your girlfriend in bed with a man who can actually satisfy her.

You were incredibly horrified and disgusted and wanted to throw wild punches at your TV but then you realize if you do that you can’t watch Demolition Man later.

But we’re not hitting the panic button yet. Much like the above situations we played the denial card, pushed the memories way down deep and won’t see them again until we get too drunk and cry at a bar in front of all our friends.

If you were like us you went to bed with that terrible feeling in your stomach you get when you eat too many tacos and know in about an hour you’re going to explode. You woke up today, walked to your car to go to work and punched the neighbor’s baby on the way. She pretended to be mad but secretly she wanted to do the same thing. You nod to each other as the baby wonders what the hell is going on.

But its the playoff. Get your friggin’ head on straight. That is done now. The Bruins are not done yet. The Bobby Orr statue yesterday was such a big deal that the current Bruins actually thought the 1970 Cup win was last night and forgot to show up to the game.

The Flyers are playing like they have nothing left to lose. Because they don’t. The Bruins played like they were coached by Pete Rose and he had bet on the game. The Bruins locker room had big money, no whammies Stop! on the Flyers to win.

When Hartnell scored you vomited and before you got done asking “when did I eat that” the Flyers scored again and it didn’t matter.

When Boucher went down we told ourselves the Bruins comeback was starting. Leighton hadn’t played in over 2 months. When the Bruins continued to shit themselves, you started contemplating watching Gossip Girl on mute. You pervert.

But if you’re perched on the Tobin considering jumping into the icy, brown slush we call water around here, please step back. The Bruins played one of their worst games of the season. If we said we weren’t concerned, we’d be liars. Like when your parents told you that you weren’t a mistake. The Bruins are 1-3 in potential elimination games in the playoffs.

But sometimes a team just needs a reminder of where it has been and where it needs to go. Much like that March 18th game, this was the playoff version for the Bruins. They expected to win, but they didn’t try to win. Their minds were elsewhere.

Chara was thinking about his next nude spread. Lucic was thinking about trying out for the Broadway version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame and trying to memorize lines. Rask was thinking about how he wishes he had held off contract negotiations for another few months. Matt Hunwick was wishing he had another spleen to break so he would have an excuse for playing as ugly as that hairy chick in your college math class. Bergeron was wondering if him and Jeff Carter were going to tag team Hartnell’s wife after the game. Julien was pondering the benefits of being the Hamburglar.

There were just too many distractions. They were embarrassed. And perhaps that is just what they need to get back on track. We’re not ready to pull the plug yet. We’re not calling into the Sportshub and saying we knew the Bruins would never win. We’re not angry… we’re just disappointed. But we’re keeping the faith. Hopefully you are too.

And if not, at least stop throwing out dumb ass trades scenarios where the Bruins send Michael Ryder and Dennis Wideman to the Devils for Zach Parise in the off season. This isn’t NHL’08. Besides, we want to hear Jack Edwards spout off some crazy shit about the Red Coats and a snowball in hell and some dude in the Bahamas smoking cigars if the Bruins win. So even if you can’t root for the Bruins, root for a Bruins win just to hear the clinically insane Jack Edwards go nuts.

We’re not guaranteeing a Bruins win tomorrow. But have faith they’ll show up in full force. If they come out with the same effort they did last night, we’re breaking the glass and eyeballing that big red panic button.

Thanks to Center Ice, we’ve seen almost every hockey game played in these playoffs. Our girlfriends hate that channel. We’ve seen a lot of bad hockey. We’ve also seen a ton of great hockey. We’ve seen things we didn’t believe were real.

Like Joe Thornton coming through in a playoff series. We thought maybe Joe Pavelski gave him a pep talk. But then we went to a Sharks practice and figured out their unique strategy to get Thornton to play well:

Jumbo Joe thinks it is still October!

Great job by the Sharks to turn all the calenders in the entire building, on the planes, etc back to October to fool Joe. Hey, it is working.

Unfortunately, our hated rivals to the North seem like a team of destiny. Watching the Penguins and Canadiens games, it is quite apparent to us that the Penguins are the better team. But Halak has been on fire. And the Habs seem to get all the bounces. It is like they hockey gods want them to win. Even though Subban told a reporter the Habs would win the Cup. Why help out this douche hockey gods?

At 7pm last night we were getting prepped for a Conference Finals showdown against the Pens. The Days of Y’Orr staff was wondering how the Bruins would try to contain Malkin and Crosby. So maybe the hockey gods saw it fit to spit in our faces. We will not make the same mistakes Wednesday. It is the NHL playoffs. Anything can happen.

But after a Game 6 win, this basically sums up how Canadiens fans act:

We’re looking forward to the Blackhawks-Canucks game tonight. Should be fun hockey to watch. The Blackhawks are looking to advance to their second consecutive Western Conference Finals. The Canucks are hoping Luongo can NOT throw up on himself in a big game.

Despite how you feel about Patrick Kane’s cabby punching episode, how can you not pull for a guy who is bringing back the hockey mullet?

Classic. And finally… we hope every ref in these playoffs is fired. Some of the worst officiating we’ve ever seen. Is Colin Campbell a ref now too? A tandem of Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Helen Keller would be better than these striped buffoons. They’ve been poor league wide. If you’re going to make bad calls, as least make the bad calls to both teams in the game. We’d be pissed if we were Penguins fans, especially.

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